The Day Came for Him to Leave

For the several weeks leading up to Wade’s departure, he kept insisting that he’d just take a cab to the airport. His flight left early from LAX which would mean having to leave our house around 5 AM to get to the airport on time. I couldn’t get comfortable with the idea, sure, we’d have to get the kids out of bed early, sure we might hit traffic after dropping him off, but our husband and dad was MOVING to a foreign country. Something about waving goodbye while standing on the front porch with kids asleep inside just didn’t sit right. So, I won and we woke the kids up, put them in the car and drove to LAX to send Wade to Dubai. It wasn’t until we were pulling up to the airport that I realized that waking the kids early had nothing to do with him wanting to take a cab. He didn’t want to cry on the curb.

He cried when he said goodbye to Tessa, he cried when he said goodbye to Bode and so did I. Then we got his bags out of the car, hugged like we were never going to see each other again and cried some more. We mumbled some things like, “We’re all going to be ok” and “This is what we want. We’re doing what we want to do.” And then I peeled myself away. I got back in the car trying to stifle my sobs and then lost it again, when Tessa looked out the window and starting crying waving goodbye to her daddy and saying, “Mommy, I am going to miss my daddy.” Shortly after, Bode started crying, I’m sure because his mom and sister’s crying were scaring him and we pulled out of LAX looking like our family dog of 20 years just had to be put down. I gave myself a good two blocks before I forced myself to pull it together and cheerily say, “Let’s go get some yummy breakfast! We’re all going to be just fine!” The kids pulled it together shortly after I did and we returned home to a home that somehow already seemed empty.

I would spend the next 4 weeks in California getting the house ready for movers, trying to squeeze in as much fun time with friends as we could and would let Tess finish out preschool and dance. I slipped into a routine and did just fine. It is remarkable what you are capable of when you don’t have a choice. You just put your head down and figure it out. I have an incredible support group in Laguna Niguel, friends that know me and my kids, that get me and my kids and genuinely sought ways to lift my burden. I felt and continually feel, in the very sense of the word, blessed.  My capacity has increased, my patience has been extended and I am have more clarity as to what I can let go and what I need to maintain. While tears were close to the surface those first few days, I kept them at bay and soldiered on. Missing Wade became an ache instead of a pain as I figured out how to get through the days on my own and as I talked to him and he expressed the success he was finding abroad. The true tears, that try as I might, could not keep at bay, would come several weeks later when I would have to say goodbye to Laguna Niguel and the life and friends that accompanied it.

The kids love to Skype Wade. Bode will now walk by the laptop and point and say, “Daddy”. I wonder sometimes if he thinks Dad lives in the laptop. They have both dealt with the temporary loss of their dad in different ways. Bode has developed an unyielding attachment to a particular blanket and a binki. Neither of which he’d ever had any interest in before. Tessa clings to me more so than she did prior and sometimes at night will cry for her dad. It is impossible not to be empathetic as they clearly know life is different than when dad was around, but are unsure or unknowing of how to express what they are missing and feeling. I have not the heart to take that white, fluffy blanket away from Bode even when it gets dragged outside and down the street and if the binki helps him sleep better at night so be it. While night is the only time I have to be productive or have a measly thought to myself, sometimes it gets sacrificed because Tessa needs someone to stay by her just a little longer in bed. Well, so be that too. I feel like our family is a team more so than we ever have been before and our reliance on one another and our understanding of each other’s needs is only being primed for the months to come. It’s a long time to be separated from one another and it is far from the ideal situation. This is certainly not how families were designed. But we are getting through it resiliently and I want my kids to know they can do hard things, and until they realizing they’re doing them, I want them to learn by watching their parents do them. And they will only learn the things I want them to learn if their parents do them without complaining and with as much grace as they can muster. Our family will be stronger and better as a result of this experience and the one that lies ahead, of that I am sure. Ole Shakespeare has echoed himself in my ears since I was 13 years old and I’ve been hearing him again a lot lately. “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” Us Hunts, we will shun doubt regarding our abilities and we will embrace the good that will surely accompany the courage to attempt.