Motherhood

"Children are a burden to a mother, but not the way a heavy box is to a mule. Our children weigh hard on my heart, and thinking about them growing up honest and healthy, or just living to grow up at all, makes a load in my chest that is bigger than the safe at the bank, and more valuable to me than all the gold inside it."

-These is My Words Author: Nancy E. Turner

Awhile ago a dear friend of mine (whom I have long adored, and still do) wrote something on her facebook that irked me a little bit. She challenged all mothers to blog or facebook about something other than their children, asking if we thought we could do it. My feathers were ruffled. My thoughts, "I blog about my life! My life right now happens to largely revolve around my children. My purpose for blogging in large part (in most part) is for journaling purposes. At the end of each year I have it printed in book form and put it on the shelf as a record of our family history. My blog is not for marketing purposes, it is not for me to share what I deem meaningful information with others, it is to write about about my family." I never even told my friend I was irked (shocking I know, I am normally REALLY good at communicating my feelings) but I knew 1. I would get over it and 2. she later explained herself and her explanation got me a thinkin'. She was wondering and rightfully so, I remember having the same thoughts, if you lost a great deal of yourself and your interests, what was once meaningful to you when you became a mother. I've been mulling it over.

The answer (for me anyway) simply put is no. But as those of us that are mothers know, nothing about motherhood is simple. I have found that, those things that are most meaningful to me have changed. My priorities, my outlooks, my interests have evolved as my duties, responsibilities and life has evolved. Some things I once deemed extraordinarily meaningful perhaps no longer are, others, such as running, my fascination of all things Middle East, my relationship with both my Savior and my husband still are. Some of my interests have morphed slightly from big leather bags to big front porches, or from which is the best method for a six pack to which is the best method for removing chocolate milk stains from you couch. But I remain devotedly interested in good denim, good cupcakes, good books and the Star Tracks section of People Magazine. So, is would appear you don't loose it all.

Motherhood is hard. So hard. There are days when I look around and think, "This is my life? Really? I did not used to live like this." My house was clean. My time was mine. My Sunday afternoons consisted of a 3 hour nap. I didn't eat cheese quesadillas for lunch three times a week. I used to have one job, now I have like 20. I'll list them for you: referee, teacher, psychologist, coach, cook, housekeeper, terrorist negotiator, personal shopper, interior designer, hair stylist, toy/stroller/highchair expert, cheerleader, driver, coach, tutor, laundress, entertainer, I could go on. And that one job I used to have? I got paid for that. This one, these 20, which are clearly worth all added up at least $300,000 a year? Zilch. Zero. Except...EXCEPT at the risk of sounding painfully cliche, in reward. Us mothers are paid in meaningful reward.

The first summer we were here in OC I worked the anniversary sale at Nordstrom. I worked with a woman that short 3 weeks whom I came to adore. I'll call her Susan. Susan was probably 25 years older than I, had two sons, one serving in special forces, one at a prestigious university. We got to talking one day and discovered we had similar interests and educational backgrounds. She too had studied international politics back east, loved it and had worked at the state department for a year before deciding much like I did, that that was not the life for her. She married, quit working and became a full time mother. A few years ago Susan ran into a classmate from college who had taken a different path. Her classmate had opted for the route we had not. She was at the CIA where she enjoyed agent status and while surely unable to reveal, had probably had loads of grand and dangerous adventures. She asked Susan what she was doing, what she had done for the last 25 years. When Susan told her she had left the State Department shortly after she had arrived and had been a mother for the past 25 years, her classmate looked at her totally bewildered asked, "What?! What happened to you?" I'll give you a moment to digest that. ..... Unbelievable right? Well Susan (here's the part where I came to adore her) responds: "What I have been doing? I'll tell you what I have been doing. I have been engaged in the most meaningful and responsible work I know. I have been teaching and guiding and raising two incredible human beings. One who is actively and courageously paving the way for you to get into countries you weren't able to negotiate in two years ago and one who is immersing himself in a valuable education that will allow him to better contribute to his community and mankind. I'm ok with what I've been doing for the past 25 years. In fact, I feel great about what I've been doing the past 25 years."

Brilliant right? I'm hoping someone asks me such an incredulous question in 20 years so I can respond the exact same way. While it sounds dreadfully unoriginal, I genuinely believe that the frustration, guilt and discouragement that accompanies motherhood is generously surpassed by the reward on the backside. Watching Bode discover a tropical fish for the first time, hearing Tessa proclaim from the next room, "Mom! I did it!" proud, as proud can be when she does all her buttons by herself or when she jumps up and open and closes her legs before she lands again. Or when Bode gives me an open mouth sloppy smooch, or when Tessa tells me, "Mom, that shirt looks really, really, really beautiful." These are the moments that nearly make the tantrums disappear. That make the big leather bags and six packs trivial. Or how about when that new born baby is placed in your arms for the first time, and you can still smell heaven on them? They quickly become all I care about to write about, or live about, or not nap about.

It is a lovely gift to be a mother. It is not a challenge to give up those things in my former life, that frankly I can't even remember, the challenge lies in the perseverance that is required to raise and guide, to teach and love human beings that will one day make the world a better place than they found it. And that challenge my friends is one (well today anyway) that I am willing to take. So thank you friend, for asking a question and forcing me to respond to myself.